just say no...

I’m eating a donut. And it’s good.

But I’m sure I’ll be sick later.

Damn peer pressure.

Days 145-23 through 150-28

I’d list them all but not worth it at this point. This weekend was a bomb but so much fun. Christmas brings goodies galore. We went with a low-key, low-stress Christmas dinner: Pizza from Papa Murphy’s and the traditional relish dish (inside joke). But then we ALL brought treats – I had made cookies, Joey had made treats, Lisa had made treats…it was insane! I haven’t weighed in this week because I fear that I’ve gained back the 5 pounds I’ve lost in the last month. I’m counting the days til convo is done so I can restart myself. That is the good thing about the SB thing – I can always go back to the beginning. I feel like Inigo Montoya. “…when a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So it's the beginning, and I'm staying till Vizzini comes.” Now I just need Vizzini to come and fix it all.

Perception is an interesting thing. I’m lighter now than I have been since college – COLLEGE! – and yet lately as I look at myself I still see me as fat. I probably always will. It’d be nice to just once be happy with myself for longer than a week. Maybe this’ll be the year to do that.

I’m still working on my next set of lifestyle changes. It’s been 5 months so it’s time to readjust things again. I’ll list them here once I figure them out. Accountability is key.

day 144-22

Last night was almost a disaster...I ALMOST had popcorn. But I didn’t. I kept hearing E’s words ringing in my ear, “no popcorn. Eat cheese.” But I wasn’t in the mood for cheese either so I had scrambled egg whites (with one yolk) and Special K protein plus for supper instead. Interestingly enough, I discovered the Special K Protein Plus has Less carbs and sugar and more protein than the South Beach cereal. Hello?! And it tastes pretty good!

Anyway, today (the 23^rd) is my last day here in the cities til Tuesday so after today my diet will be shot to hell. Pizza is our Christmas dinner of choice – plus crackers and cheese to snack on (along with the cookies and krumkake I’ll be making today). but next week I’m back in the gym – at least running and then after convo I’ll be getting back on a more regular schedule. I must!

day 143-21

I am such a lazy ass. I EASILY could have gone to the gym last night, but did i? nooooo. No I decide to sit at home and watch stupid TV, knit and take a bath instead. Pathetic, I am.

Tonight I’m making more cookies to take home. We decided to do pizza for Christmas and then snack on spichamere and cheese and crackers. But it just isn’t Christmas without krumkake and pb cookies. So alas, that is my goal today. Maybe the gym. I really need to get there or keith is going to kill me.

day 142-20

Yesterday was great – SB bar in the AM for breakfast, a few cookies, Subway for lunch, human contact meeting, then Good Earth for supper with Debbie. MMMM. My HCM was incredible, not that I remember much of it, but I do know that Keith and I talked about goals and future stuff. I wish I could think faster on my feet…that may be something to work on. I told him I was 10 pounds from my goal. He said, great, when is the deadline for your goal. Wow…I have no real deadline. I knew when I started in August that I wanted to lose 30 pounds, but having a deadline for that? Yeah, I don’t think I set one…nope… I didn’t. I just had the pseudo goal.

And I think part of why I didn’t set a specific deadline is because I didn’t want to put a final date on this and then if I don’t make it I’ll feel awful and like a failure and since I can do that pretty well on my own without deadlines I didn’t want to do that with this. Besides – it’s a Lifestyle Change – not a diet.

But I also know that I need to have some sort of goal/deadline on the exercise side. Initially I had said the 10K in February, but everyone knows I won’t make that. Probably a bad goal to set anyway since it’s really out of reach - not only physically but financially (though springing money to see Schlenker would be worth it - *sigh* Schlenker). But what kind of goal to have? Work out until I’m ripped? Uh, no. I’m not jay. Work out until I can run a mile at 6.5 without stopping? Maybe… But probably since I do have to run 1.5 miles in March or do the freakin’ step test again, I probably should go somewhere along those lines. 50 pushups by Feb 28. 100 crunches by Feb. 28. 1.5 miles in no more than 15 minutes by Feb 28. Step test, heart rate at 100 by Feb 28. I don’t know – are these smart goals?

i also was thinking today about perception again. The key to life is perception - I've lost 20 pounds. Initially I felt skinny, but now I'm starting to feel fat again - and it's not because of the cookies - but i'm perceiving myself as big. I'll always think I'm fat, even if I'm a twig. It's the nature of the beast, I think. too many years being the fat girl. When ever will I see myself as a smaller woman? I look at larger women I work with or I see on the street and I see myself in them. I think people see me that way too. It's not healthy. Someday this will pass. Maybe it's just the season. :)

Day 141-19

It’s hard to believe I’ve been going at this for 141 days. Wow…that seems forever (yet not). I was reflecting this morning on my self-care routine which began back in mid-July. Self-care is so important and i’m glad I stepped up and took it upon myself to do something to better me – for a better me. I just had a thought that LS really should have a class on that, but taking a class from an instructor on self-care seems like an oxymoron almost.

But I’ve been doing so many things to help me in so many ways: SB, natch; joining Ballys; going to Keith. Those are just the physical things. I also purchased season tickets to the Guthrie – to help my theatre and social life (of course I go alone, but still). I’m working on the relationships I have and am being a bit more cautious about whom I let into my life – life is too short to be stressing about friendships and being taken advantage of or feeling inadequate within them. There are still friends I don’t see near enough but they are always in my heart and mind, but right now just isn’t a good time to be ‘with’ them – for whatever reason.

Now also seems a good time to start thinking about the next year. This past year was my year of turning 30 and that sort of triggered all these changes in me. Now I’ll be 31 and I need to continue to do these changes and implement some more.

My friend Tre has a list of things she wants to do before she dies. Being an avid list-maker, as she is, I haven’t done this – which is shocking in the least. But here’s that fear – I fear that if I made the list and I wasn’t able to complete them that I would feel VERY inadequate and more of a failure than I usually do. So I haven’t made that list. I’ve been thinking lately that maybe I should suck it up and do it. (See Noogie’s post on fear) Or do it on a smaller scale – things I want to do before I turn 32. Then it’s not the clichéd resolution list for new year’s but a list of goals and lifestyle changes to improve my life (like kissing a guy under the mistletoe at Xmas - you know something really vital :) ). I’ll have to think about this and maybe post them here so I can be held accountable. There something daunting about putting it out on the internet for my friends to read, b/c again if I don’t achieve the goals, then it’s not just in my head, but everyone will know. But maybe that’s the challenge. I guess we’ll see.

Day 138-16, 138-17, 140-18

So I weighed in on Saturday or Sunday this weekend – I can’t remember which – and I’m at 145. YAY! 10 pounds to go. Though really I’m not uncomfortable at this point. I’m thinking of doing this if I can find the cash sometime. But my cash should probably go for new clothes first since these are so baggy. Though if i do do this, then i could maybe buy even smaller clothes! Oh and my hair is getting long. Well longish, considering I used to have a haircut quite close to a high and tight on a guy.

Not overly thinking about what I’m eating but I’m not eating horribly either – though 5 pb cookies with dark choc. kisses for supper Saturday wasn’t the best option. But you can’t beat warm, fresh cookies. Had salmon Sunday night at A&K’s. that was downright yummy. I had one piece of bread (NY Rye from the Finnish Bistro, as it is now named) and wanted another but held off. Yay me.

Day 137-15

I broke down and bought sb pizza when I was picking up more baking supplies. It’ll be very good when January comes. I’ll be back on phase 1 after convo/guards. I figure the next two weeks are pretty much a loss and the week of convo I’ll be out with friends drinking and eating wingy! so I might as well just suck it up and wait til after that to reset myself. Things haven’t been bad – weighing today (as it’s the middle of the month) and I’m maintaining between 146 and 148, which is so much better than I thought I’d be at after what I have been eating lately. So something I’m doing is right. That helps my attitude at least.

Emotionally I’m so much better today than I have been. Maybe it’s the lack of students, maybe it’s the greater amount of sleep (well the accurate amount at least) or maybe it’s finally letting go of some of the stress. Things are getting checked off – shopping is done which is good, students are basically gone which is better, HO’s party is done, and I’m taking some afternoons off over the next couple weeks which helps not only my vacation time but mentality.

day 136-14

Not a bad day. Not the best either. I didn’t bring any cookies with me and at about 9am I had the sugar withdrawl. I felt like Elaine Benes in the episode with all the birthday parties and get-well parties and 4pm sugar fix. I broke down and bought cookies from the café but EW! Not to be biased but I love my cookies…so much better. Oh well. Eventually I’ll be able to break myself of this, but since I know that won’t happen until after Christmas I’m just going to try to keep it to a minimum and not eat an entire batch at a time. Man…even that seems like a lofty goal at this point.

Feeling a bit better today, emotionally at least. Maybe it’s that students are almost gone. Maybe it’s finding out that kent had a stroke (update – found out today 12/15 that he passed away overnight) or that mike’s mom died that has changed my mood. Death shouldn’t be a happy thing, and it’s not, but it definitely can be a wake up call. Hello! Life is way too short to be worrying about this nonsense I have been. Nothing in my life is life threatening (except the other crazy MN drivers) and in reality things are going really well. As Keith said once, it’s all a matter a perspective.

day 135-13

Well, that was stupid – like I would have ANY energy to work out after an hour with Keith doing deep tissue. Hello! In fact, I was so out of it after we got done that Keith gave me a diet coke to wake up. Didn’t help much. Good thing the snow hadn’t started yet so I could make it home fairly safely.

I made turkey meatloaf last night (should that be turkloaf?). not bad, not good either. But at least it’s something different. Also started krumkake for the advent tea, but at 9:30 I was completely zonked so I went to bed. I’m glad I can sleep like a rock once I turn off my brain, but the turning off the brain is the hard thing. I was awoken at 1am from some ahole calling – which actually was a bit disturbing since he new my name and then asked if I was married with children – when I asked his name after this question (w/o answering it) he said it was “matchbox”. What the hell? So I hung up on him, which in hindsight I should have done from the beginning. But then it took a long time to shut down my brain again to fall asleep, and making it worse was realizing that I would have to be up in 4 hours to shovel. Ugh!

I need a nap.

day 134-12

K had a very valid point with yesterday’s post(s). I do need to do this to keep accountable, but maybe I need to do it slightly differently. Instead of just listing what I’ve eaten or not, I need to be looking at the why. Why haven’t I been eating protein? Why have I let myself slip in the mini 3 musketeer bars on occasion again, knowing they have full sugar in them? Why have I been just eating cookies and cereal? (as I did yet again today, yet I did have eggs for breakfast)

Part of it may be because I’m feeling quite stressed with money and I don’t feel I can afford the food I usually eat – lots of chicken, subway, sb meals. Healthy food seems to add up in the pocketbook faster than ‘bad’ food. But that’s not all of it because I have chicken and steak in the freezer.

Part of it could be I’m just feeling more down than I usually do this time of the year – stemming from this transition I’m still feeling with my friends all far away and I’m in this limbo stage – way more than last year. (more on this at the other blog) And when I start to feel this way, I get into comfort food mode. Apparently cookies are my comfort food – pizza would be but I can’t eat the cheap, fake, white-trash pizza anymore so the sb is the only kind for me and at $3 a pop, it seems a bit hefty.

I didn’t make it to the gym last night, opting to finish a Xmas present instead – which probably was stupid since I probably shouldn’t give it anyway. So tonight, though I need to make krumkake for the advent tea (and I won’t have time tomorrow with choir) I absolutely need to get to the gym, even if for 30 minutes to run. I did feel better last week after I had done this and I’m sorry I didn’t last night. It may help me sleep better (been restless lately) and of course I’ll feel better in the end.

Or maybe I just need to start taking vitamins.

Days 130-8, 131-9, 132-10, 133-11

I’m almost getting tired of keeping track of my sb days like this but I think it’s important to keep going too. If I stop I fear I won’t keep have any accountability and I’ll balloon back up and I can’t let that happen.

So my days have been pretty similar. I’m eating way too many cookies that I bake and not enough salad or good protein. Friday I made the carb-sense pizza again, but instead of splitting it into two pizza’s I just made one big one, which was a mistake. It didn’t roll out very well and the thick crust was too thick and hard to eat. Oh well…now I know. I did finally buy lettuce again. I just need to eat it now. I took out ground turkey for meatloaf this week. At least that I should be able to eat. :)

I’m not exercising enough either. I did make it back to the gym last Monday, but didn’t get in the rest of the week. So tonight I’m vowing to go and tomorrow night too. Maybe I can slowly build back up to 4 nights a week like I’d like. Or rather like I should. :)

day 128-6, 129-7

Tuesday was a good day. I thought I had written here but I guess that one went to the other blog. Oh well. Anyway, Tuesday was good for the most part. I’ve added Subway’s chicken/bacon/ranch wrap to my noon meals on occasion. It’s not bad, fills me up, I get a few carbs, it’s okay. Last night MLH and I went to Manny’s. A ton of food, but OH so good! There’s nothing like a perfectly done 10oz filet to finish up the night. So now I feel like an overstuffed cow (does that make me a cannibal?).

day 127-5

Went to the gym last night. I took me half an hour after I had gotten dressed to get out the door to the gym, but once I got there, the run felt really good.

Off the topic, I just have to say that every time I type the sb day and the date I feel like Jeffrey (jpm). After jpm had gotten a dui he gave up drinking and started a countdown (so to speak) of sobriety. He had, and probably still has, a board with 4 pegs and he hangs numbers on them. each day he changes the number with one more day of sobriety. The last time I saw him he was over 900 days. It was pretty cool. So everyday when I type in day 127-5 I think of jpm.

Day 123-1, 124-2, 125-3, 126-4

Wow…It’s December. It’s been 4 months. Finally I’m learning the funny things about my body:

1) I can’t eat a whole bun. I tried this Wednesday night, then to complete the experiment I tried it again on Friday and my whole stomach became a rock. I haven’t felt that icky in a long time. I had some pasta on Saturday - that was a bad move too. So some small portions of bread and maybe no pasta are okay – but not a whole bun. Good to know.

2) I have to drink my water. I’m not a big fan of plain water but I’ve found that if I only drink diet coke I don’t do so well.

3) I have to exercise. I have been feeling sluggish and crappy this whole week. Work hasn’t been that stressful, but the little things that have been pissing me off haven’t been worked out by running so the little things just keep getting bigger and bigger and they aren't important. Tonight I’m back in the gym.

4) Straight sugar does weird things to me. Friday I ate at Taco Bell. I took some small sips of the Baja Mt Dew (I was tired and wanted some caffeine, plus i sometimes miss Baja Mt Dew) and while I was eating the chulupa (yuck) my head actually started spinning for a moment. I was glad I was sitting down and had to stop and just breathe deeply (but quietly so not to freak joey out) and clear my head. Too weird.

So there’s the latest. I’m eating too many cookies and not running enough. That will change tonight. I got a work out from Keith – less intense than the one Jay sent and will begin that tonight. Should be interesting.

day 122-30

It’s almost time to leave on dec. 1 and I forgot to blog about yesterday. What a day. Crappy eats. Didn’t get to the gym. Drank during choir. Ate a bun which sat in my stomach like a rock…blech. I had to go home and sleep it off. Get that – I had to sleep off a burger bun! Man…my life has changed. It would have been the alcohol in a previous life but today it’s a bun.