day 142-20

Yesterday was great – SB bar in the AM for breakfast, a few cookies, Subway for lunch, human contact meeting, then Good Earth for supper with Debbie. MMMM. My HCM was incredible, not that I remember much of it, but I do know that Keith and I talked about goals and future stuff. I wish I could think faster on my feet…that may be something to work on. I told him I was 10 pounds from my goal. He said, great, when is the deadline for your goal. Wow…I have no real deadline. I knew when I started in August that I wanted to lose 30 pounds, but having a deadline for that? Yeah, I don’t think I set one…nope… I didn’t. I just had the pseudo goal.

And I think part of why I didn’t set a specific deadline is because I didn’t want to put a final date on this and then if I don’t make it I’ll feel awful and like a failure and since I can do that pretty well on my own without deadlines I didn’t want to do that with this. Besides – it’s a Lifestyle Change – not a diet.

But I also know that I need to have some sort of goal/deadline on the exercise side. Initially I had said the 10K in February, but everyone knows I won’t make that. Probably a bad goal to set anyway since it’s really out of reach - not only physically but financially (though springing money to see Schlenker would be worth it - *sigh* Schlenker). But what kind of goal to have? Work out until I’m ripped? Uh, no. I’m not jay. Work out until I can run a mile at 6.5 without stopping? Maybe… But probably since I do have to run 1.5 miles in March or do the freakin’ step test again, I probably should go somewhere along those lines. 50 pushups by Feb 28. 100 crunches by Feb. 28. 1.5 miles in no more than 15 minutes by Feb 28. Step test, heart rate at 100 by Feb 28. I don’t know – are these smart goals?

i also was thinking today about perception again. The key to life is perception - I've lost 20 pounds. Initially I felt skinny, but now I'm starting to feel fat again - and it's not because of the cookies - but i'm perceiving myself as big. I'll always think I'm fat, even if I'm a twig. It's the nature of the beast, I think. too many years being the fat girl. When ever will I see myself as a smaller woman? I look at larger women I work with or I see on the street and I see myself in them. I think people see me that way too. It's not healthy. Someday this will pass. Maybe it's just the season. :)